Updated 8-29-11

There is a distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? 

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: 

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' 

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. 

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. 

Both result in death.

 

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:

ATD - at the doctor.

BFF-best friend fell.

BTW -bring the wheelchair .

BYOT - bring your own teeth.

FWIW - forgot where I was.

GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low.

GHA - got heartburn again.

IMHO - is my hearing aid on?

LMDO -laughing my dentures out.

IPM- I pooped myself.

OMMR - on my massage recliner.

ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can't get up

 

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

...'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him

Sum Ting Wong
Trouble in the USA

The current down trend in the USA economy has hit everybody really hard.....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a fundamentalist Mormon with only one wife
.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino inLas Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called the Suicide Hotline and got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

 



CONCARIBOU SAY

“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened.” 

For the love of the Irish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdSaWW9vuow 

A Little Known Fact

The first testicular guard "cup" was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

God love 'em. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.' So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a six pack of Bud Lite, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.  

Tiger with loving wife

  A really big Johnson       

Click Here! 

 In a classroom a teacher asked the children to identify the flavors by
their color:
 
*Red*......................Cherry *Yellow*..................Lemon *Green*..................Lime
*Orange* ...............Orange
 
 Finally the teacher gave them all *HONEY* lifesavers. None
 of the children could identify the taste.
 
 The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your  mother may sometimes call your father.'
   
 One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and  yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
 
 The teacher had to leave the room! 

 
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
 
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
 
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
 
'I will give each of you one wish,
which is three wishes in total', 
 
says the Genie.
 
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
 
POOF!  With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
 
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians 
can come into our precious land.'
 
POOF!  Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
 
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
 
Please tell me more about this wall.'
 
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. 
Nothing can get in or out;
 
 it's virtually impenetrable.'
 
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer,
lights a cigar, smiles and says,
 
 'Fill it with water.'

 

 OK now'

  This is alarming Beer contains female hormones!

  Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

  Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the

  results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

  Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is

 that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men    turn into women .

 

  To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a

  one

 (1) hour period.  It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all

 these men:-

 

  1) Argued over nothing.

  2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

  3) Gained weight.

  4) Talked excessively without making sense.

  5) Became overly emotional

  6) Couldn't drive.

  7) Failed to think rationally, and

  8) Had to sit down while urinating.

 

  No further testing was considered necessary!!



 




AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT
 MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP
 APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A
 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO
 SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD
 GIRL." 
 
 "NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR, NICE BIG
 BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A
 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT
 HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
 
 MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT
 AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE
 THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT,
 DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND
 WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV. 
 
 AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE
 YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.

 

 





Who would have thought the economy would get this bad...
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.








Men  strike back!

How  many men does it take to open a  beer?
 
None..  It should be opened when she brings  it.  
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why  is a Laundromat a  really bad place to pick up a woman?  
Because  a woman who can't even afford a
washing  machine will  probably never be able to support  you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why  do women have smaller feet than men?  
It's  one of those 'evolutionary things' that  allows
them to stand closer to the  kitchen sink.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------
How  do you know when
a  woman is about to say something  smart?  
When  she starts a sentence with 'A man once told  me....'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How  do you fix a woman's watch?  
You  don't. There is a clock on the oven
----------------------------------------------------------
If  your dog is barking at the back door and your  wife is yelling at the front door, who do you  let in first?
The  dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him  in.
--  --------------------------------------------------------
Scientists  have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's  sex drive by 90%.  
It's  called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why  do men die before their wives?
They  want  to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women  will never be equal to men
until  they can walk down the street with a bald  head
and a beer gut, and still think  they are  sexy.   
 ------------------------------------------------------





 




A TRIP TO Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you20feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.


Costco won't let me shop there
anymore.

 




WHORES & HOCKEY PLAYERS.
 
A man in the Safeway Store in Texas tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce
The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
 
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

'Some  asshole wants to buy half ahead of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,

'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

 Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'What team did she play for?'

 




I love this Doctor 

Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a  nap. 

Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your  system.   Need grain?   Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a good source  of field grass  (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake? 
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even more of the goodness that  way.   Beer is also made out  of grain.  Bottoms   up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have  fat, your ratio is one  to one.  If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise  program?
A: Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!

 
Q:  Aren't  fried  foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU'RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in  vegetable oil.  In fact,  they're permeated in it.  How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft  around  the
middle?
A: Definitely  not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You  should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach. 

Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good   food around!

Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If   swimming is good for  your figure,   explain whales to  me.

Q:  Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' is  a shape! 

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may   have had about  food   and diets.

And  remember:
'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather  to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and   screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride' 
   
 
AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat
and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine
and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot
of red  wine
and suffer fewer 
heart attacks than  Americans. 

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat  and drink what you like.
Speaking  English is apparently what kills  you. 
 
 

Can you find Ron McKnight in this picture?

 

The Man Rules  

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem
 only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the 
  other one 

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 

1. Christopher Columbus did
 NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A
 color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have 
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it 
will be scratched.We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... 
Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or
 golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.
  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. 

Note: If you want to copy this and stick in on your Fridg (at your own risk) simply highlite the above, right hand click and hit copy. Then paste it in a word doc and print from there.

This is something they don't teach you at the old folks home!

 Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. 

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. 

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. 

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,  

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. 

Could we please do it one more time?" 

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. 

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. 

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 

"Honey, please... just one more time before I die." 

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. 

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. 

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. 

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. 

Do you think we could..." 

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, 

I have to get up in the morning... you don't."

 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking... 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A 17,000 FEET TUBE UP MY BEHIND!' 


I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'Movi-Prep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss Movi-Prep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the Movi-Prep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water (for those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because Movi-Prep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. 

 

The instructions for Movi-Prep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. 

 

Movi-Prep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but....have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the toilet had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. 

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. 

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. 

 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. 

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000 foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. 

 

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. 

 

ABOUT THE WRITER 

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. 

 

On the subject of Colonoscopies... 

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:- 

 

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 

 

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 

 

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 

 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 

 

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 

 

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 

 

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 

 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 

 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 

 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 

 

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 

 

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' 

 

And the best one of all: 

 

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

 

Click on the picture below to view a musical masterpiece!

 Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.!"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.  I'll take the both of you for a ride. I f you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
 
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.  The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.  He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.  I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

True story this Caribou was spotted in Colorado wearing this Bar Stool. 

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 
 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' OK', the little girl says,
How much do you weigh?' Now really,' the mother says, those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.  My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' 


Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' And,' the little girl says triumphantly, I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' because you got an F in sex.'

 

Above is a typical Caribou's night stand 

 

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. 
 
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in 
Real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

'Kin ya swallar?' 
 
        The woman shakes her head no. 

        Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' 

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. 
     

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and
quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. 
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. 

      His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:


 

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?'  She doesn't care what you think.  If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.  Women over 40 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.  Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it's like to be unappreciated.  Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.  Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest.  They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one.  You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.  Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.  For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.  Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you.  Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.  Why?  Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

 A moral and ethical dilemma

Is this statutory rape???

Or is it just a moosedemeanor.....

 

 
Chocolate Chip Cookies
 
A very old man lay dying in his bed.  In death's doorway, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
 
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
railing with both hands.
 
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven.  There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen
table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
 
Was it heaven or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
 
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The
aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
 
'Stay out of those,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'"

 

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided

that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.The doctor told him that there was a procedure called  a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put  it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'

 'Trust me,' said the doctor.

 So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

 '1'

 '2'

'3'

'4'

5'

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West Virginia ....and Washington DC .

 

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
    
 
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist  '
but  a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
    
 'I'm  96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking  out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

 A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that,
another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,
"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

 For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."

 The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

 

158 years ago...
 
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?
  • California became a state. 
  • The State had no electricity. 
  • The State had no money. 
  • Almost everyone spoke Spanish. 
  • There were  gunfights in the streets. 
So basically, it was just like California today; except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

 


 

The above picture pretty much say's it all!

 

Retirement plans compared....
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would  now be worth $49.00.
 With Enron, you would have $16.50 left and with WorldCom,
you would have less than $5.00 left of the original $1,000.
Had you purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00
left and had it been United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then returned the cans for your 5 cent recycling deposit, you
would have $214.00.
Based on the above analysis, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.  This is called the 401-Keg Plan. 
 

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy  at $20.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!

However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.    I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works




Check this out. It's some Caribou celebrating a Wolf's (Patrick Meyer) birthday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTlbvKRpng0







                                                      The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a  haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber  replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service  this
week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the  barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
'thank you' card  and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in  for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies,  'I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.'  The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber  goes to open up there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for  him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a  haircut, and when
he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I  cannot accept the money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.  ' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning  when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen  different books, such as
'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More  Successful.'

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he  goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from  you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy  and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open  up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free  haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference  between
the citizens of our country and the members of our  Congress--

                                           Vote very  carefully

 

IN THIS AGE OF "BLOGS" AND IN AN AGE WHERE TRUTH DOES NOT SEEM IMPORTANT, I URGE EVERYONE TO LEARN FROM THE WISDOM OF THE AGES. 

 Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumorIn ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
 "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test.  It's called the Triple Filter Test."
 "Triple filter?"
 "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.  The first filter is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
 "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
 "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
 "No, on the contrary..."
 "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"  The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
 Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
 "No, not really"
 "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
 The man was defeated and ashamed.
 This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
 It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.









Here's Cliff Claven from Cheers explaining something the Caribou understand:


"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of caribou can only move as fast as the slowest in the herd.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest caribou at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.........

 


Sign in Pub

AUTHENTIC IRISHMAN FOR HIRE
STORYTELLING
SINGING
DANCING
CARRYING ON
AVAILABLE ALL HOURS
EXCELLENT DRINKING COMPANION

(I guess that most Caribou Club members qualify for this position)